"I don't understand this part of your baby—see, he’s happy here, then crying. Like, look—he’s laughing, ha, ha, ha, and then he spits up all over the place. He just doesn't seem consistent."
“Is poo-poo really the best word choice here?”
"Oh my God—I was up all night with your baby. I couldn’t put her down.”
“Hey, you remember that scene in—this baby totally reminds me of that scene in Mr. Mom, when the kid pees . . .”
“Your babies always make me feel like I’m on crack. I mean, what is it with that crying? That one—that one, like she’s at the end of her breath. All night! Oh no, don’t take it personally—I just know you could make better babies.”
"Jesus! People! If you’re going to criticize the guy’s baby, he needs specific feedback. So like, where specifically is his head misshapen? Give him examples of how he doesn’t look like his father. When did his crying sound fakey? (Or did you say cranky—tired and cranky, OK, he sounds tired there. OK.)”
“OK. Let’s look at her fingernail. Third finger, left hand. Is everyone there? OK. I don’t mean to be nit-picky, but she’s got a wicked hangnail . . .”
“I swear I’ll get to your baby next week. This week was just terrible for me. I’m really really really really really sorry, I’m such a turd. I heard a lot about her from everyone though—I just know she’s a good baby.”
“Wait. I know, what if you made the baby crawl here? I mean, he’s just rolling around, rolling around, rolling . . . I feel like we need to start the crawling a lot earlier. A lot earlier.”
“I’m sorry, I just honestly don’t like your baby. I’m sure it’s just me, I was in a bad mood the other night—don’t listen to me . . . I just wasn’t into the baby.”
"hers need a bit more polish"
ReplyDeletewhat a sweet guy.
Don't try this at home, folks.
RE: "my stories are like my babies"
ReplyDelete"I don't understand this part of your baby—see, he’s happy here, then crying. Like, look—he’s laughing, ha, ha, ha, and then he spits up all over the place. He just doesn't seem consistent."
“Is poo-poo really the best word choice here?”
"Oh my God—I was up all night with your baby. I couldn’t put her down.”
“Hey, you remember that scene in—this baby totally reminds me of that scene in Mr. Mom, when the kid pees . . .”
“Your babies always make me feel like I’m on crack. I mean, what is it with that crying? That one—that one, like she’s at the end of her breath. All night! Oh no, don’t take it personally—I just know you could make better babies.”
"Jesus! People! If you’re going to criticize the guy’s baby, he needs specific feedback. So like, where specifically is his head misshapen? Give him examples of how he doesn’t look like his father. When did his crying sound fakey? (Or did you say cranky—tired and cranky, OK, he sounds tired there. OK.)”
“OK. Let’s look at her fingernail. Third finger, left hand. Is everyone there? OK. I don’t mean to be nit-picky, but she’s got a wicked hangnail . . .”
“I swear I’ll get to your baby next week. This week was just terrible for me. I’m really really really really really sorry, I’m such a turd. I heard a lot about her from everyone though—I just know she’s a good baby.”
“Wait. I know, what if you made the baby crawl here? I mean, he’s just rolling around, rolling around, rolling . . . I feel like we need to start the crawling a lot earlier. A lot earlier.”
“I’m sorry, I just honestly don’t like your baby. I’m sure it’s just me, I was in a bad mood the other night—don’t listen to me . . . I just wasn’t into the baby.”
Geeze DH, shoulda applied to Miami - now all those valuable comments are just going to waste...
ReplyDeleteDH, I feel it only right to stand up and clap! And then email you some babies.
ReplyDelete